SIDDHA

slowly the loneliness
lifted from my frail heart.

finally i understand
why i am shattered…

… i will go on,
without the backlog
of hurt and pain.

i am not beyond
pain and fear,

but i will not give up.

i once thought of death as a frightening experience. since i began to see a lot of people died mosly my loved ones, i slowly change my perspective towards death. now i know it is just natural part of life to die, like being born. death to me now is crossing the veil, passing to the other side.

we come to this planet to learn certain lessons. we may stay here for a certain lifetime, maybe shorter or longer. but this is enough for us to learn our lesson and leave. some of us died in an abortion, perhaps it was the soul decision between him and his parents. some use disease as their way of exit, some choose to leave in a more dramatic way- through car accident, plane crash, or a shipwreck, action pack!

whatever way we choose to leave our body, i believe it is a soul choice. it will happen in a perfect timing, set up, the way we want it. our creator allows us to leave in the way that is best for us in this incarnation. if we can see now the larger picture of the life, only then we will remember our pact with our maker.

our fear of death interferes with our living. it is not until we can be at peace with dying that we can begin living.

the path seem to be lonely at times. though i’m surrounded by my loved ones, i still feel very alone. sometimes i felt that there is no one that truly understands what I’m going through. the current trials, and the experiences i’m enduring at this moment are not apparent to them.

my approach is to understand the “why’s” as much as i can and accept it openly. i try not to go into a negative state of mind. i’m praying for more strenght and understanding to realize that my experiences are gearing to higher truths and knowledge. raising ones vibrations.

like many souls on this path i chose to live in two realms, the earthly, and the spiritual. i knew that part of the ball game was to claim your self esteem and confidence. a far better antidote to keep moving forward to awakening.

one way, one law.
there is no turning back.
he who never sleeps,
never dies!

over a dinner, wify and i are talking about the choices that we did to go through before we were born. honestly, most of the time i wish i had not made those choices. its all pretty scarry, vaque and full of surprises… as part of our free will, we are the one who art directed what we want to learn in this lifetime. as parents too, we have lessons to learn from the experiences of our children. often it is to let them go and experience life on their own. our children will grow and expand within themselves so much so that the transformation often cannot be believed. this also applies to us i told her.

sometimes help cannot be given in the form of a miracle. we have to earn it! yes, this often does happen. our healing crisis, test, challenges, and obstacles… whatever you may call it, it all works in the same principle, a test of fire! true, there are times when it is necessary for the soul to learn through these suffering and pain the hard way. i always told her, there’s always an exciting way to die:-)

“it is only when one is going through the darkness that the light can shine brightly to lead one out of it. there are no accidents; everything happens for a reason” this is what my teacher says. if our children, friends or parents are not having an easy time in their life, give them strenght and love… and know that they have chosen this path as part of thier lesson.

we can move away from it if we wish to. it is up to our personal choice. me, i like to learn it the hard way. i have this “marek, the indestructible” complex, a warrior character from the book: sleeper awaken!. now i know the more painful the event is and the deeper the scar, the more i will gain wisdom.

one life time is not enough for a us to realize that we can change the path of learning. it is the soul’s choice after all. our spiritual transformation is like the butterfly that will soon emerge from the chrysalis, and when it does, the most beautiful butterfly will emerge.

etheric O as defined is an experience where sexual pleasure is perceived principally in the etheric body, and without grasping.

physical orgasm has grasping mechanism. quick climaxes, followed by a refractory phase and numbness, and depletes kidney energies.

etheric orgasm is free flowing, can be sustained over longer periods, no refractory phase and doesn’t deplete you, and sometimes even replenishes essential energies.

etheric orgasm is usually much easier for women than for men. the success and techniques of etheric O lies in the partnership of the beloveds in bed… ride in each other pleasure and surely you’ll both attain sexual bliss.

everytime you make love, use its sacredness to connect to the divine. sexual energy generated during love making can raise your connection. it will turn outwards your consciousness, towards grosser levels of existence.

last night i felt the connection was stronger than before, i also received an impulse about my darkness hour… “at the darkest of the night, the light is reborn and those who give up at the darkest of the night never see dawn”… sounds an interesting adventure to inner alchemy.

then i remember what my teacher used to say about the path being not easy once you started the trail… now it all makes sense, enlightenment is for the cosmically stubborn.

…no thoughts, just Dragon!

my path now made me realized how vulnerable and weak i am. i was taken back to my past journey were i felt my whole search is fine. i am a strong, confident seeker until i start my passage from pre-personal stage to personal stage. that journey is so ugly, its like descending to the cavern of sickness.

all that I had feared was there, staring at me. it took many weeks for me to get over that experience, it was such a painful one. however, my worst fear at that moment had been faced, and I moved on to bigger and better things. i know that one day something will come up again to “cook me”. i thank the presence for allowing me to face that fear and to move on. facing fear is not easy, but if one does face the fear, the feeling of power is enormous - dragon strength! not in a lower ego sense, but in a personal sense of truth. my own truth.

during that time i truly experienced my “dark night of the soul.” it was a very terrible experience. if not to the connection i would not have survived it in one piece. it truly freed me from that burden. once I had learned to faced that fear, then I began to face all the other fears I had. i know there’s more to come and i also know the help is just there.

what good it does to me?…nothing, except it made me FEEL more

last night i had a glimpse
of the hall of mirrors…
it felt like i stabbed myself
a thousand times.

in my shrouded thoughts,
and twisted recluse,
i saw how ugly is my passage
from pre-personal
to personal stage…

with all my weary eccentric views
of a restless dreamer,
all wisdom gained
are forgetten…

so long i’ve waited
for the shattering of
my little white lies,
and arrogant ego.

my pathetic self
keep holding on
to the drama…
of samskaric vision,
pastlife memories,
fragmented dreams
mended by longiness
showing me hope…

hope? is this all mind tricks?

the sutras said:

“do not be afraid,
do not be terrified,
do not be bewildered,
recognize this as
a form of your
own mind”

then as it is,
i gently thought
is this all an illusion?